Managing family conflict with your teenagers

By Danny Gelb

How parent teen relationships are handled is so important to the well being of your children's future. Conflict is an inherent part of family life. If this is not managed constructively it can cause relationships to break down, families to separate and possibly be the start of a life of crime for the youngster. Teens and parents are caught in a paradox of the teen being too old to have every decision made for them and too young to be given total control of their life. So what is the answer? Unfortunately there is no silver bullet, however here are some thoughts that may help.

Teens and parents do have more things in common than you might realise. These include frustration, financial stress, disappointment, fear of failure and the general stress of life. As hard as it may appear at times both generally want the best for each other. Understanding is one of the keys. How do we help to understand the other? Listening, giving undivided attention will go a long way, however it has to be undivided one on one attention, not a conversation over doing the dishes together or while driving somewhere. It is important to set some ground rules at this stage, such as no swearing, name calling or making hurtful statements about each other. Repeat back to your teen in your words what they have said to you and confirm with them that is what they have said. This acknowledgement alone will go a long way to them knowing that they have been not only heard, but also understood.

Remember that you can’t un-ring a bell so there is not much point on spending too much time talking about the wrongs of the past. The aim now is that we are talking in the present, with a view to focussing on the future. It will help you to imagine being in your teen’s shoes. When you were that age, giving the same circumstances, how may you have felt in this situation? Voice your concerns in the big picture format, not micro specific, such as your concerns for their safety, well being, future etc. Now ask them what they think may be a solution to this issue. Reality check with them their ideas in relation to your concerns. Effectively you are getting them to see it from your perspective.

You will not fix everything in one go, however if you manage to address one item with what you think is better than previous you are both better off.